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I stayed up all night trying to remember if I had Amnesia or Insomnia. 
My wife made me a plate of calamari in exchange for helping her clean out her closet. It was a squid pro quo.
This is ridiculous its July 8th... Neighbors are still shooting off fireworks, one almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire..
Does anyone have a Volkswagen Beetle? Could I borrow it for an afternoon to drive around and count how many people I see punch one another?
ME: I miss you KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It's done. Stop calling me.
I just burnt 550 calories without doing anything. And that's the last time I look at Facebook with pizza in the oven!
If you're mad about The Little Mermaid not being white, wait until you hear about Jesus.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. Well, it’s true. After going to the gym this morning, I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Ever feel like the best thing in the world happens to you at the worst times?
Just want to wish all my single friends out there a very happy Independence Day!
Which one of you guys posted that ass ugly selfie that broke facebook??
Relationship Status?
Facebook going down today was the first thing to go down on me in years
My goal is to accomplish something productive each and every day! Oh but wait, first I have to logout of Facebook.....
Hey everyone. Remember to leave out a riffle and some Budweiser, this 4th of July eve, or Kid Rock won't bring you any fireworks.
For $95M we could've had like 5 more episodes of Game of Thrones, and there would be better pyrotechnics.
These Kenyan Airlines passengers seem to be down to Earth guys?
People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.
Nothing says "4th of July" than a huge tank.
Looks like everyone has staycation the week 4th of July. Party animals, huh?
The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don't have to. Use your turn signal! 