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Search Messages:
"Area 15? I'm in!!" R Kelly, probably. 
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
: Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday...and you’re 32.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
n't it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless Me: *hides her inhaler
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake...You know, cuz... "Here I go again on my own".
Wanna know what living in Florida is like? Take a hot shower. Don't dry off. Put on all your clothes
[being dragged off the plane] Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
How come in 1969 we were able to send men all the way to the Moon and maintain perfect communication with them the whole time, while in 2019 I can't walk into the other room without losing a cell phone signal?
The older you get the more dating is like that final scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Red finally tells the Parole Board off.
My doctor told me today that I was too sweet. Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.
*spills one drop of maple syrup (entire house is sticky for the next decade)
Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone. 