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Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Current president. 
Why are all the porn sites down at the same time? What am I suppose to do now, my job?
Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk & asks for a condom. They ask "Shall we put it on your bill?"...He says "Are you thupid! I'll thuffocate!"
Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.
Researchers at the University of Minnesota say movie theater popcorn may cause memory loss. See, that explains why Hollywood keeps making the same movies over and over again.
my body: please, eat something green me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
From my 12yr old: "My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application"
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I'm not an actor.
Our teachers won't let us charge our phones. Even if we're on 1%. It's not safe. Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent parents from history times: c'mon kids, let's go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
What's it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
If you date a guy long enough he'll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high: "Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Apart from shopping and other men, what do women want ?? 