Funny Status Messages

   sooooo skint she is off to KFC to lick everyone else's fingers....again. ♥

   Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there. I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick, but it's great: it's got KitKats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it

   a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect

   kissed a girl, and he liked it...and blames Katy Perry for his imprisonment. She didn't say anything about asking permission.

   contributing to global warming by breathing as he rides his bike to school...some conservationist!

   never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

   calculating pi but can't seem to make it past sugar cream

   wonders how skinny he would be if he had to pedal to keep the computer on.

   thinks that friends help you move but real friends help you move bodies.

   running with scissors and playing with matches...

   increasing his carbon footprint so that it is visible from space.

   M.I.L.F. Man, I Love Funyuns!

   Sometimes I go down to the Home Depot and pick up day laborers in my truck just to have people to drink with. Hop in, amigos. It's Miller time.

   If I found out I was going to be burned at the stake, I think I'd fill all my pockets with popcorn kernels

   Viagra has instructions, keep away from children - what kind of man do you think I am?

   I throw a dart at my wall calendar to decide what day it is. Thanks to my bad aim, today is Window.

   This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it. ..... happy thursday everyone

   text from a female: "Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless."

   Tough decisions... Beat off in the shower and waste water or use Kleenex and add to landfill? What can I say? I love Mother Earth and big titties.

   jumped off the building so he can fly. Now if I could jus grow some wings