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hunting terrorists with jack bauer be back in 24 hours 
Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
dont try to fix me I am not broken
told today that my problem is that I just want my cake and eat it..... Yes. Yes I do. Afterall what good is a god damn cake you can't eat.
build a man a fire, and he is warm for one night. SET a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life!
Be nice society already sucks!!!
GIve a man a fish & he'll feed himself for a day. Give him a fishing rod & he'll snap it for fire wood. Or trade it for a fish...
all men are idiots, and I married their king
thinking - No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you.
a weapon of mass distraction
exercising at work....banging your head against the wall can burn up to 150 calories per hour!
re-doing facebook quiz's, so that he can fudge the results into saying the person he would rather be like.
someone needs to tell PETA that the White House is a "NO FLY ZONE".
if anyone sleeps with my wife I am shooting their guide dog!
's heard about the fountain of youth, he would much prefer there be a fountain of smart.
busier than a one toothed man in a corn on the cob eating contest.
thought john and kate plus eight was a porno.
Nowadays, when I bend down to pick something off the floor, I think to myself, "What else can I do while I'm down here? 'Cuz I ain't making too many more trips."
I've never been to Long Island... but I've had their ice tea so many times I feel like they owe me bail money.
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy candy at the store, I'll drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential. 