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just returned from a children's party. She's one of the survivors. 
Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head
thinks Santa Claus has the right idea. Only visit people once a year
It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell.
thinks everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege
now friends with michael jackson....oupssss where am I ?
wonders why they put the lime in the coconut
"no sense beating a dead horse! Unless it's one of those zombie-horses...can't beat them enough!"
panicking who will keep an eye on Russia if Sarah Palin moves stateside?!
Never really got OxiClean to work the way Billy Mays could....
filing another notch in the palace of shame
think you should be wearing the sign "may contain small parts"
just came back from a pleasure trip (took the mother-in-law to the bus station)
wife hinted she wanted something shiny that could do 0 - 150 in 3 seconds for her birthday... So he bought her some bathroom scales
A latte should NOT take this long to make! This had better taste like it came from the tit of Angelina Jolie's.
that pirates are better than ninjas
Knows what you did last summer... Thanks to good old Facebook
Just had indian & in advance would like to apologize to his toilet for the spray on tan it will receive in the morning
It's better to be quiet and let them THINK you're stupid, than to speak and let them KNOW it.
Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one. 