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Can anyone recommend a good wine that pairs well with a teenager's sh@# attitude? 
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
there’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? trash. there is a lot of trash in the sea.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Batman: fighting crime is easy Robin: *grabs his hand* but fighting our desires isn’t Batman: not now Robin
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Women aren’t hard to read For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your sh*t out You’re done bro
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
When I was a kid, staring at a wall used to be considered a punishment.
Go jump in a lake!
No I mean like literally, it's good to do on hot days like this.
I just want to be as happy as most people pretend to be on Facebook.
We don't want affordable health care! We demand tax cuts for billionaires!
Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: why are you leaving? -me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam. Siri: Step over the dog. 