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Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches. I knew we shouldn’t have legalized marijuana 
Imagine a world where everyone looked like their profile pictures.
If you found your wife or husband on a dating website, it’s only romantic if it isn’t 3 years after you got married.
I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were good years.
me: hold me while I sleep anaesthesiologist: no
me: my cup runneth over... sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My drivers side window quit working. So I guess I'm on a diet.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I dont get women.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.
Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me 