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The last time I went to see my uncle in hospital the nurse was rubbing vaseline on his back He went down hill very quickly afterwards 
Broke up with my gingerbread girlfriend. She was nice, but she got too kneady.
Not only is it dangerous you'll look like a complete idiot if you text and drive, as that's how typos happen.
Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
"I'm really good in bed" -Ice cream
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin. Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge? Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
We are all grown men and women! Let us start acting like it, and stop believing in pathetic conspiracy theories!!!
Why don't adult cereals come with prizes? A pill organizer Post it notes Vouchers for gas ...And so on.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance. Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Is the expression "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" I want this best man's speech to be perfect.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most. Husband: No, it's because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”. Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
*lights cigarette Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Math professor: today we're doing geometry Me: *falls asleep* [20 years later] Occult leader: set up a pentagram of salt Me: a what now
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls Date: Sounds good! Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
To the NBA post: what are you, stupid? NBA players criticized those communist countries all the time. What the hell is wrong with you? 