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Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch. 
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower? All other inmates (in unison): No.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Oh, you have anxiety? Name 5 friends who secretly hate you.
If you have 12 followers on Instagram, you’re unpopular. If you have 12 followers in real life, you’re the messiah.
Those were not boos. They were alternative cheers.
When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend then as an adult I had thousands of them, until I deleted my Facebook account.
Have you ever noticed that lOl looks like a man drowning?
I don’t win marathons because I’m athletic, I win them because I’m driven
Sometimes it's best to keep things between you and your neighbors. Like a stockade fence.
There's been a major recall on Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Bring them to my house so I can dispose of them properly.
If you got haters . They means you are doing something right . World series
This Jesus is King album by Kanye West is the second worst thing to happen to Jesus.
To the person who corrected my grammar online, I killed you’re whole family
When I drink I don't need a designated driver, I need a designated hide my phone person
Clitoris. They even made a whole movie about it - Finding Nimo
I bet the creators of The Brady Bunch had no idea how much impact they would have on the porn industry...
You cant be a Nurse 4 Halloween n have STD's, pick something else, like a Prescription!! 