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Please enjoy this security camera footage of me not robbing the bank! It was recorded first, so the other tape of me dynamiting the vault, twirling my mustache, and running out holding sacks with dollar signs on them must be ignored! 
me as a therapist: I see what you’re saying. *starts writing something down for you* here, there’s an episode of Naruto that I think would be relevant and extremely healing for you
it’s funny how guys like being called daddy until the pregnancy test is positive
ah nuts, I accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Happy birthday to Leonardo DiCaprio. He turns 45 today. It's time for a Titanic prostate exam. l
It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.
Jimmy Buffett has a cruise and he doesn’t even go on it. That’s like going to see Hootie & the Blowfish and just getting Blowfish.
A man in Kentucky cut off another man’s beard and forced him to eat it during a fight. In a related story, I’m staying the heck out of Kentucky.
If she says "do you notice anything different about me?" just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave. How’s your day
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy. Surgeon: I'm not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult. The migraine that follows.
"Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French guy would say after a really raunchy fart.
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.
A new poll says that 53% of shoppers start the day after Thanksgiving. The other 47% are men.
A man and woman in Britain became the oldest couple in the world to divorce — they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup. She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.
You know you're a VW bus driver when you start out speeding towards a hill, and still end up at the top with a line of cars behind you.
I see Black Friday is coming up and wondering who profits the most on that day? The people who are smart enough to stay home feeling thankful for everything they have the day after Thanksgiving?
Thinking about bathroom remodeling ideas. So if you can post your selfies below that would be great. Thanks!
Can we celebrate Thanksgiving this year and be thankful for all we have before we start thinking about all the cheap Chinese made plastic junk we don't need for Christmas? 