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Today's word of advice: Never take a muscle relaxer if you've got the trots. 
All I want for Christmas, is to keep the things I've got.
The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying ba$stards.
Fortune Cookie: "Your life will be happy and peaceful." Dear Cookie: What drugs are you on? We should share.
You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.
If Superman is so smart, why is his underwear on the outside?
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
As the first chilean miner came to the surface he was quick to celebrate his 'rock paper scissors' championship 2010.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Getting a girl off is like a game of Marco Polo. The louder she gets, the closer you are. Wandering in the other direction is just counterproductive.
Big... Powerful... Makes the ladies scream... Lasts for an hour. No wonder women love Oprah so much.
Just once on Undercover Boss, I'd like to see one of the lower level employees just go, "Yeah, pretty much all I do all day is scrw around on Facebook and play Bubbleshooter. Also, our CEO is a d!ck."
Damn! Why did Friday the 13th have to be today...it's only the middle of the week!
wondering why, if midnight snacks are banned, why is there a light in the fridge?
God Bless the Chilian miners and there familes for going through tough times!!
treat everyone as you would like to be treated... except in bed, "that" could be illegal in some countries or religions!
whilst watching england tonight I have come to the conclusion that peter crouch and wayne rooney couldn't score with a prost........oh wait
was wondering why, after 68 days, none of those pulled from the mine in Chile had any facial hair. Then I remembered why....... they are only miners
I just met a very nice man who said he loves children. Then I found out he was on parole for it.
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