Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Why when your car breaks down and you push it to the side of the road, does someone ask "is your car broke down?" "NO, I decided to take it for a walk."

   ^v--^v--^v----------------^v--^v woah for a second there I was bored to death

   i have nothing against god, it's just his fan club that i'm against

   I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers...

   The Deadliest Catch would be so much cooler if they'd plant a serial killer on each boat... ><(((((%>

   keeps a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff, so if I ever develop amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm freakin' AWESOME!

   wonders who opened that first oyster and said, "My, my, my... now doesn't this look yummy!"

   A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.

   wonders how come so many people "Roll On The Floor *Laughing*" (ROTFL)? If I'm rolling on the floor, it's usually because I'm on fire. Send help.

   thinks that physical abilty doesn't compensate for mental incompetence....

   printing off a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills....

   has transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. They're on me. Enjoy!

   So, I guess the FDA has approved the "week-after" pill - the perfect remedy for those not so skilled at time/pants management.

   uh oh... it's Saturday night and I just saw the little devil from my left shoulder drop kick the little angel off my right shoulder a minute ago...this can't be good...

   thinks that just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial, an actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth.

   ‎"Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished...."

   the kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil....

   Pro Tip# 101: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will almost always forget their original question...

   I'm thankful that baby teeth are the only things that kids lose while growing up. Imagine the trauma of a nose falling off. Or a leg. "Why's your daughter hopping around like that?" "Oh, she just lost her baby leg last night...."

   wonders should we REALLY put labels on paint cans warning people that eating it could kill them? I mean, should we TRY to save anyone who would make a conscious decision to eat paint?