Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If I had money to blow, I would hire two private investigators to follow each other.

   Step 1: Go to Google. Step 2: Type “who's the cutest”. Step 3: Hit I'm Feeling Lucky. Step 4: Enjoy.

   had a dream that this woman was trying to kill me with a butcher knife...which makes me think the woman of my dreams is not someone I should be looking for.

   If your dog is the only one excited when you walk in the door from work even though you make 6 figures.......... you have failed conclusively!!!!!

   I don't wear a watch because I decide what time it is.

   ‎654 women were admitted into the hospital, and 542 died with a heart attack! Now tell me who in the hell spreaded the rumor that I'm getting married? x(

   I threatened a man with a knife today. It was a bit silly really, he could have stabbed me.

   whips her hair back and forth.

   Can someone explain cheese to me? Who smelled vomit and feet and asked "can I get that on a cracker?"

   looking for a large, orange orb that gives off light, warmth and occasional melanoma. Last seen 7 days ago. Goes by the nickname "sunny." Call 1-800-FREEZING if found.

   having a bad day. There's a tampon behind my ear and I can't find my pencil.

   I thought I was going crazy. So I went to a therapist. After half an hour, he paid me to leave. I heard that he is now seeing a therapist.

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know!"

   I tried to get over myself, but I'm just too awesome!

   Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know when you'll find a nut.

   I really need to find a girlfriend. Guy at poker table was like “This is my girlfriend, Kayla,” and I was like, “This is my sandwich, Ham.”

   with or without you, I'm still going...

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

   man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under hes arm, hes says a pint for me and one for the road,,,

   Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair? A: Artifical Intelligence