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My retirement plan is hoping that a really rich dude with a fat fetish offers me a million dollars to sleep with my wife. 
I don’t know why my wife is so loud during sex it’s not like anyone is going to come rescue her
I decided not to host the Oscars this year and see they couldn't find anyone to replace me.
A woman in Florida gave birth to a baby weighing in at 14.1 pounds. So I guess the question is: a baby what?
An old pair of shoes once owned by Justin Bieber has sold on eBay for $50,000. To be honest, they're a little tight on me.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building? - Beaver
Am I the only one that thinks it's very narcissistic that the Academy Award Members gave the Best Movie Award to a movie named after them...???
I'm so old I went to a Natural History Museum and the guards thought I escaped.
I'm so old I can honestly say I've been there and done that. Just cant remember where and when that was?
My popcorn gone stale, my coke is now flat. Waiting for the showing of the pp tapes, what happen to that?
I'm so old that “Getting lucky” means I remembered where I parked my car at the grocery store.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven't taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Whew. Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
If her teeth don't fit, she must acquit.
Nancy Pelosi, 2020
#SuperPoliGrip
Been working around the house lately and getting so much done by using my favorite Power Tool known as Facebook's deactivation button.
80% of electricity is made from fossil fuels so how are electric cars saving the environment??
Everyone needs a backup man. My husband: plan. The word is plan
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
My new pet peeve...commercials where people brush their teeth without making a mess. When my kids brush their teeth they look like they have minty fresh rabies.
Whenever my boss calls me into her office my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes. 