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Did I accidentally log into the Grand Wizards Facebook profile page this morning? 
Sorry To Hear The Size Of Your Snow Angel Made You Realize You Need To Go To The Gym.
Beginning to think that Al Gore is lying about global warming
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
I just want it to snow already! I'm dying to make snow angels face down!
White girls get pregnant and get their own season of 16 and Pregnant but when Black girls get pregnant they get 30 minutes of Maury.
Favorite Animal is Grey Goose
Been married for 3 months now, when is it appropriate to start leaving the bathroom door open when taking a dump?
Just went out to my neighbors front yard and wrote "Merry Christmas" in his yard by pissing in the snow
Waking up with morning wood is normal, but trying to piss with morning wood is an adventure.
Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.
I remember when I was young and couldn't wait to grow up so I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted... Ask me how's that working' out?(OK,hun. I won't forget the trashman comes to tomorrow.) Gotta go Facebook my chores aren't done yet..
When playing The Telephone Game, I like to whisper to the next person, "I'm going to kill you," and then nod and smile encouragingly.
I was making love to Robert Pattinson for seven hours straight until security told me that Madam Tussuads was getting ready to close.
OMG! It's so cold I think I have ovaries now!!
Everyone has that one friend you just can't bring anywhere cause they always embarrass you. If you can't think of who that friend is, it's you. ..
every time a toy breaks...an elf gets beaten..
New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”
Why does every BLACK joke start with the person looking over both shoulders and talking quiet?
Just took a dump and thought to myself... What did people do before iPhones? How awkward it must have been reading them huge newspapers. 