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I’m 39, If you invite me to a party that only starts after 10pm, I’m not even going to pretend I’ll make it. 
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
My bucket list. 1. Buy bucket.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I've lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I'd like to lose another 10 lbs first.
In Scotland, it's illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. I just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down.
Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.
What came first the chicken or the egg all depends on whether or not I'm having breakfast or dinner.
If someone makes meat based vegetables, I'm in!
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
I've resigned myself to the fact that if I start now, I'll have all my Christmas lights untangled and ready to go by December 24th.
Look. I sent you a friend request because you're hot. Not because I wanna buy your CBD oil.
Chalkboards are a remarkable invention.
: It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Tampax is the newest sponsor of NASCAR. If you're looking for tickets to the Tampon 500, I could pull some strings!
The rain delay the Daytona 500 is experiencing is God crying over his redneck children for using only .000001% of their brains.
Rednecks took the phrase "going around in circles" and turned it into a sport for folks with single digit IQ's.
Q.What does Pete Buttigieg have in common with a successful circumcision? A. They're both little off sawed off peckers.
Funny thing about folks in Daytona...they hardly ever go to their beach, and complain when other folks do.
Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I'm making a pros and cons list. 