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Have to show ID at the Pharmacy to by 6 dollars of OTC cold medicine but I can go to the ABC store and buy a truckload of booze and they won't even card me. Wait a minute, does that mean I'm old. . .... . . 
I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."
I cheered for the Bears, they lost. I cheered for the Jets, they lost. I'm going to start cheering for al-Qaeda.
I sat down next to my wife and said, "You look so cute when you're concentrating." My wife said, "Will you f-ck off while I'm trying to take a sh*t."
I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.
When someone says to me "I know what you're thinking," I'm so happy, because I have no idea.
I didn't sleep that well last night, there must have been a pea under my mattress.
Nothing makes crazy people happier than having a microphone.
Prank: Get car chalk and write "Just Married" on every car in a Walmart parking lot.
Sometimes I think Facebook is trying to insult me by some of its friend suggestions.
I love it when people call me at 3 AM. "Hey, are you asleep?" "No, I'm skydiving."
Breaking news Arizona shooting suspect pleads not guilty...If he's not guilty, O.J don't wear gloves.
Today's status is brought to you by the letters ~I.. H*A*T*E..M*O*N*D*A*Y*S.. and the numbers ~ 24/7 ~
If I ever open a knife factory, I'd employ nothing but EMO kids...I'd never have to worry about them reporting an on-the-job injury....
Mike Vick kills two dogs, goes to prison for 18 months. Ben Roethlisberger rapes two women, goes to the Super Bowl.. only in America..
all of a sudden everyone is a football expert
first Obama, then the olympics, now the Bears.....Chicago, so close to producing winners, you get everyones hopes up and then last minute....choke.....fail.
going to the Gold & Silver Pawn Shop to see how much they will give me for my DVD copy of Pawn Stars the Complete 1st Season.
My 4 year old is going through a phase where he screams out what he is about to do before he does it. I had to explain to him that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that.... 