Funny Status Messages

   If you don't like me, leave a message. If I don't get back to you, don't worry.. its probably because i'm too busy giving a damn.

   Dear U.S. Government, I was just wondering if I can get my tax return in advance. I would use my credit cards but theyr'e maxed out and I am currently unemployed. Regards, everyday U.S. citizen.

   the Egypt uprising also Sarah Palin's fault?

   All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi."

   Dear Taco Bell, your 35% shreds of beef are like delicious shriveled delicacys of bliss and happiness from the rainbow of a dsylexic leprekuan... But I'm a carnivore and need at least 70% real meat to continue eating your contramptions.... Please work on

   I have been watching all the rioting in Egypt on TV and have yet to see somebody walking like an Egyptian

   Have you ever posted something in your status just to see how quickly someone will 'like' it?

   discovered last weekend that if you play a Justin Biber album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Justin Biber

   Does anyone else's leg falsely alert you that your phones vibrating? I hate that!

   The 100% American is 99% idiot.

   America is the only nation in history which has gone miraculously gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilisation

   ANYONE gonna ask Press Sec'y Gibbs what that violent uprising is on his face? Is it me or does Gibbs have herpes on his lip?

   If you shut off the Internet in the US, we'd overthrow the government within hours.

   You're so annoying you should just wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry."

   I'm having one of those days where when I get home I'm going to lean against the door, and slide down it while dramatically sighing.

   Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?

   I love getting voicemails from my grandma. They usually consist of a pause, then "I don't think he's home."

   When you start to believe your own lies is when you know you're getting good at it.

   I learn something new everyday. Yesterday I was wise. Today I'm wiser.

   I'm the type of person who would spend 20 years becoming a judge, just so ONE person could be all, "You can't judge me!" And I'm like, "Bull$hit."