Funny Status Messages

   "Babe is it in?" "Yeah" "Is it hurting?" "Uh-huuh" "Let me put it in slowly" "It still hurts!" "Ok let's try another shoe size"

   A cop pulls over a guy. He says "Sir your eyes are alittle glazed, have you been drinking?" The man replies "Gee officer your eyes look alittle glazed too, have you been eating doughnuts?"

   I bought a car last week. Well, by "bought" I mean "poisoned" and by "car" I mean "my neighbor's dog."

   Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"?

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   treat everything like a dog would. If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.

   egypt had 10 plagues, I think they can handel ppl in sweat suits throwin rocks.. .

   I'm not saying that you and your girlfriend are unatractive, but when you two got into that physical altercation at the bar, every single person there immediately called PETA except for Michael Vick and that's only because he had already wagered on her

   People must do well to remember that a nose belongs on the face and not stuck in SOME OTHER PLACE.

   Was told to set an example. So I picked to be a bad example

   So if you don't know the local language and need to find a restroom. The universal sign is to act like your holding your penis and making a hissing sound. Don't ask me how I know this.

   Someone give Bruno Mars a grenade and pull the pin. I'm getting sick of that song. She dosen't love you, I don't wanna hear about how your stalking her.

   Chocolate chip cookie dough has a warning to not eat it raw. Who in their right mind is not going to do that. I can't even remember the last time I got cookie dough and made them into cookies.

   don't talk to me in that tone of CAPITALS!

   Final destination she says. All destinations are final. Not need to use final there lady. Thats what the word means, destiny = final. If you haven't got where you're going, you're not there yet!

   The main problem with a high maintenance woman is that the upkeep costs never go down.

   I hear my neighbor is holding her Saturday night mass. "Oh god! "Oh lord!" Oh jesus!"

   Nobody's phone is ever off. They're lying.

   Why is the Sunday paper available on Saturday, does nothing happen that's worth calling news on Saturday?

   I'll call the people I see at work "coworkers" as soon as they start doing some work.