Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   This girl walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Hard of hearing the man says "come again?" She replies, "no mustard."

   Just finished building Rome with Lego. Took me a day.

   don't ask me how my nap was. I slept through it. That's how my nap was!

   - Seen a tv program about sharks . Sharks have been around for 400 million years , unless you believe the bible which says the earth is only 6000 years old !! ........ I believe the sharks !!

   The Bangles just issued a press release that they have a new song coming out. "Run Like an Egyptian"

   I have a feeling that If alive today Hosni Mubarak's "mummy" would be disappointed!

   I seriously wonder how people find me on Facebook when we have 0 mutual friends

   Listening to streaming radio with the news muted on TV. The Bengals song "Walk Like an Egyptian" came on right in the middle of a live shot of the Egyptian unrest. Long story short- I just had a Keanu Reeves "Whoa" moment.

   Willy Wonka One of your Oompa Loompas have escaped. If you are looking for her, she is on Jersey Shore.

   about to pour my friend a shot of chilled boiled hotdog water... shhhhhh

   Doing my taxes with a condom on. Figured I'm going to get screwed anyway, so why not be safe about it.

   about to pour my friend a shot of chilled boiled hotdog water... shhhhhh

   hoping the cute flight attendant gives a flying f**k.

   Whenever I see you, I remember the song "Just the way you are" and the movie "2012". When I see your face… it's the end of the world.

   My goal for today is to not post anything stupid on Facebook and to learn how to boil water.

   For once I would like to bring sexy back....from the bar.

   Some days there just isn't enough give-a-damn.

   Me and my missus got ready to cuddle up and watch our home made porno. I got up and pressed play, but unfortunately It was finished before I sat back down.

   I see they have blocked the Internet in Egypt. No more online pyramid schemes then?

   We were at the shopping centre and I caught my reflection in a shop window, I thought to myself "F-k me I've lost loads of weight!" The girlfriend hates that nickname, but I found her eventually.