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Somalia Pirates are at it again...what is this the 1600's? kill those bastrads. 
"What is home really?" ... Where you hide your most intimate secrets...like your panty wearing fetish! Well that's mine, but you get the idea.
Charlie Sheen interview tonight on 20/20...I'm going to get drunk and watch it, it'll make more sense that way.
The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more...
I love hearing rumors because they tell me things about myself I didn't know before.
Hey guy next to me at the urinal, it's not a shake weight, KNOCK IT OFF... I hate using the bath room at Hooters.
when a cop pulls you over and he tells you to get off the phone..DO NOT SAY: I gotta go honey, your husband is being a jerk. Seriously don't. ;)
Dora and Diego, if your coming into my house it's to clean and landscape the yard.
Dear Dora, How do you get that t-shirt to fit over your head? Sincerely, Thats physically impossiple
Now we know for sure who the 'half' man is on 'Two and a Half Men'.
Remember a couple years ago when everybody thought Tom Cruise was losing his marbles? Looks like Charlie Sheen has set the new standard for celiberty craziness .Better tell Oprah to hide the couch.
given permission to get her B#T#& on. I am really looking forward to tomorrow.
"Why didn't you answer my phone call?" Oh, sorry I was dancing to the ringtone
called Rick Astley last night to see if I could borrow some of his Disney Pixar dvds. He said "sure, no problem, you can have anything you want", but I'm pretty sure he's never gonna give me "Up."
no matter how you spell Gaddafi , it still spells DENIAL
Kirsty Alley...Ralph Macchio.?....they should call it "Dancing with the has beens."
Hey you look familiar aren't you in my AA?
Dam you Charlie Sheen, your making Danny Bonaduce look normal.
Home school kid caught dating his teacher.....whoa what?
who kicks an owl on the soccer field? and why is it headline news?
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