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Day 7 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks 
panicked at the grocery store and came home with a pineapple
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My current diet is similar to a 9yr old who just found $20.
Here, hold my drink. Ruining this is going to take both hands.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
day 1 of quarantine: I have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[stuck at home] son: omg so bored daughter: omg so bored wife: omg so bored me: omg so bored dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...
I built my entire itch-cream business from scratch.
Last night I made the last of the dishes on the Huffington Post list of "25 Foods You Have To Eat Before You Die." So I guess this is goodbye.
Too bad the Coronavirus doesn't act like elections. Mostly those who'll get it are in New York and California.
This is the longest something made in China has lasted.
Waxing places are closed, so carpets are growing back. Beauty salons are closed, so the carpets are matching the drapes.
We need guns to protect ourselves from the Coronavirus. 