Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A Lysol commercial just told me to disinfect the things I touch the most. I think this is gonna burn. Makes you wonder... can nipples burn from disinfectant?

   As I took it to my lips to taste, my mouth was suddenly overflowing with a creamy filling, my tongue licking as much as I could as fast as I could… God, I love cream donuts

   Advice of the day for women: Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old… as long as you buy him a few drinks first. ;)

   Food for thought Guys: If you teabag someone that is allergic to nuts, is that considered attempted murder

   So technically you are not supposed to EAT meat on Fridays but is it okay to just swallow it?

   I always call out my boyfriend's name during sex..... Just to make sure he's not around.

   How have Hoarders and Antique Roadshow not joined forces yet?

   Any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying... They haven't left yet.

   no green food for me this year! I get enough of that from my own fridge!

   "never on cilantro, but always on thyme."

   I can't remember the last time I've enjoyed St. Patrick's Day....which means I'm doing it right!!

   No one ever gives me a hand, but I often get a finger.

   NEVER trust a leprechaun who tells you that you can rub off a little “luck of the Irish”….the only happy ending will be his…..

   Why do the associates at wal-mart never answer the phone..? ..i feel like I'm trying to dial through to a radio station to win tickets to a R. Kelly concert.

   The Dentist is the only certified man to say to a woman: lay down, relax, open mouth, say ahh, and spit.

   Roses are red, on St. Patricks were green, don't party too hard tonight, you are not Charlie Sheen!

   just set my phone to flight mode and then threw it in the air, let's just say... WORST TRANSFORMER EVER.

   Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.

   Irish:Tabhair dom an rud céanna mar atá ag an fhear ar an t-úrlar! English:Give me the same as the man on the floor!

   It"s ok to pretend you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?