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Someone want to send Apple an email and let them know we need an iWatch software update...they don't need to keep telling me I need to stand up.. We need an "ignore, i'm in the middle of a quarantine" button. 
The buttons on my clothes are starting to social distance themselves from each other...
See below: Are you people that dumb!? Now I know why we're in the predicament we are in.
New Deluxe never used 2020 planner - super cheap!
The pollen is so bad this year that the druggies are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Living in a time when '3 squares' means more than just food.
When this is over.. What meeting will you need to attend first.. Weight watchers or AA ?
Having some states locked down and others not, is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Germans are going to be hit with large fines if they invade someone else's space! 80 years too late if you ask me?
If you don't have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I've been working a side hustle delivering for restaurants and so far as I can tell, those X-rated movies are bull crap.
I haven’t wanted to drink an ice cold beer this bad in a bar since I was underage.
Grown ass men on Facebook playing Eye spy..Really?..Well when you're done playing that, maybe you can pull out your childhood easy bake oven, and make us all some cupcakes.
Tomorrow is the National Homeschool Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear.
With this corona virus thing, just heard that infidelity is down 99.9%
On the bright side, at least we found a way to stop mass shooting in schools, offices, malls and concerts.
Now all of a sudden having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, a gallon of bleach and plastic sheeting in the trunk of my car is okay.
I don't know who needs to hear this, but you already ate.
List ten jobs. Nine should be jobs you have actually done. One should be a lie. Let's see if people can guess the fib! My list is below: 1. Waitress 2. Bartender 3. Video Store Clerk 4. Payroll Acct 5.Factory Line Worker 6. Auto Parts Manager 7. Chef 8. 