Funny Status Messages

   I just finished running 5 miles. Just fu@king with you. I'm eating a bacon and sour cream pizza.

   Hygiene Tips: 1.Don't 2.Smell 3.Like 4.Sh!t

   I'd appreciate if you'd stop calling me, but I'll probably respond if you decide to text

   Eight year old's today have Facebook, Twitter, iPhones, iPods. When I was there age, I had a dad who beat the hell out of me.

   "I'm coming".........The two words, no matter how or when used, women usually lie about.

   If I slept with a prostitute, when we finished I would tell her that I am also a prostitute and we can just call it even.

   Men think about sex every 7 seconds. Which is why I eat hot dogs in 6 seconds, so it doesn't get weird.

   There is absolutely nothing funnier than yelling "HE'S STEALING MY BABY!" at a dad having a hard time with his kid in public.

   Tired of the dying person who keeps emailing with his billion dollars. I hope he dies soon so he would quit sending the emails.

   That ackward moment when a beautiful woman is waving at you with enthusiasm, and, it turns out to someone behind you.

   When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza, and then insist that he called me.

   Am I the only one who feels that if I had to describe urine's color and possible taste, that I should point to a yellow Vitamin Water?

   Kevin Durant, it is time to take your backpack and go home!

   i need to find cinderella because I'm tired of running into her stuck-up cant take a joke high maintence sisters

   now that oprah is gone, Can we put daily football on?

   Dont ever tell someone you'll do something when pigs fly........cause cops ride in helicopters now.

   Hey Oprah your shows over,,,go to the dam gym ,, and try and lose some weight already,,,!!!

   A thunderstorm is God's way of saying his electronics will always be better than yours

   Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

   About 50% of the time “good luck” means “effff you.”