Funny Status Messages

   trust and friendship can be tested by how long a person borrows an item of yours for so long and return it back in the same condition.

   I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."

   If Tiger Woods and Jesse James are back to dating already, then I don't see any reason why Michael Vick can't get another puppy.

   When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up it's the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.

   There should be an eject button in cars for people who touch your perfectly-positioned vents.

   You ever hear or see a friend do something and think "Oh yeah, that's a Facebook status." Yeah, me too.

   Have you ever noticed that the only people who wear jogging suits are well over 200 pounds and obviously never jog — unless a buffet is in sight?

   I don't confront people. I was raised right. I talk stuff behind their backs. It's called manners.

   I say "DUDE" right before I say something moderately important.

   i think I need glasses....everywhere I look people have two faces

   I wish they made Off Clip On Repellent for creepy people at WalMart

   Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

   November 8th 2011: Call of Duty: MW3 + Alcohol + Women = A Night to Remember

   Ignorance is bliss, would explain why I'm so miserable.

   I like that you like my status. Facebook needs a button for that.

   next time I see a place that says no shirt no shoes no service I'm gunna walk in without pants

   Dear Google, They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely, Wikipedia.

   The difference between Obama and Osama is BS.

   BoyfriEND, girlfriEND, friEND. Everything has an END, except family.

   No sport in this lifetime has ever brought the world together as football... You know, the real kind, not the overcommercialized self nominated world championship superbowl.... FUTBOL!!