Funny Status Messages

   I keep the city's best, never said she was the brightest. So if you had her too it don't affect me in the slightest. I never met a bi*ch that didn't need a little guidance so I dismiss her past until she dissappoints your highness.

   the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"

   I wish I was as dedicated to anything as much as I am to using movie lines in everyday conversation

   Not sure what's harder to believe the Canucks losing a game they invented, or that Honda thinks Zombies will help sell cars

   Good lord I'd hate to see what Canadians do if they lose in curling!

   Found out yesterday that apparently saying I have dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 51 in a 15 mph school zone.

   Every night the dis likes multiply by 6.. Wonder what side of the world is making that happen? The unfunny side. (europe)

   Cheese is like a villain from a horror movie: Whatever you do to it only makes it stronger. Shred it? Better. Slice it? Better. Melt it? Perfection.

   Dear children,stop wondering what I am. I'm a star! You just said it like two seconds ago. Sincerely, Twinkle Twinkle

   If you woke up tomorrow and all you had was what you had thanked God for today, what would you have?

   solving all the world's problems--one roll of duct tape at a time...

   Women...why is it so hard to F-in fill the gas tank? The E doesn't stand for ENOUGH!!

   From the way Vancouver goalie Roberto Loungo is playing in the Stanly Cup, it appears that he watched too much of the NBA Finals and wants to change his name to LeBron-go...

   I don't get Pitbull, he makes one decent song and then sings for 10 seconds in others and he makes millions of dollars? Wtf?

   I just asked a guy at the Mac Store if the iPhone 5 will come with an app that makes AT&T not suck.

   FACT: When a woman feels like her emotions are being played with.............She becomes the FBI...

   "We Built This City on Slave Labor and Freemason Secrets" - Thomas Jefferson Starship.

   PAY DAY: A day when I never feel like working....CHECK PLEASE!

   Headline on TMZ: "SHOCKING Nude Photos of Paris Hilton Leaked.” Seriously TMZ, if you really want to shock us, try leaking some photos of Paris reading a book

   When at a meeting when the boss says "anyone have any suggestions?" Don't say "inappropriate touch Tuesday"...trust me