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Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again. 
Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light. then all of a sudden they are pedestrians
Ladies, If you get to a point in a relationship where you have to clamp your legs shut to get him to behave the way you want him to, the relationship is already over!
The iPhone auto-corrects "tits" to "toys". Real mature Steve Jobs.
I never dreamed that motherhood would include telling my boys: "Don't pee on the lawn mower!"
Government cheese makes the world a better place!
was glad to see it was "peter tweeter" Anthony Weiner's last day in office but I was a bit dismayed when I heard that Gary Busey was slotted as his interim replacement.
If "graphic pictures" will be required on cigarette packs, then I want to see graphic pics of ugly babies on condoms and ugly chicks WITHOUT goggles on beer bottles.
Why do they try to make pet food in TV commercials look good to humans?
Our relationship was like the Fourth of July. It started with fireworks but was over by the end of the night.
B**ch please. Don't confuse hate with jealousy.
There are worse things than waking up on the wrong side of the bed. You could wake up on the right side of the bed with the wrong person.
A lapdance is so much better when the stripper is cryin.
Insanity means never having to say “I'm Guilty”.
My wife decided to take up violin with good intentions but she couldn't decide which chin to rest it on
honestly believes girls are like parking spaces...good ones are already taken! and the ones left over are handicapped
The best medicine in the world is a mother's hug
Its amazing how something so small can feel so good. Q-tips.
"I wasn't drunk!!" "Dude, you were in my pool trying to find Nemo" ·
'I wasn't that drunk' Dude, you threw my hamster shouting GO Pikachu.
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