Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   It's for freakin hot that I bet that there are some women ovulating poached eggs.

   I'm setting Casey Anthony up on a blind date with my friend Dexter Morgan, who is also from Florida.

   The capital of Montana is not Hannah.

   Brooklyn was conceived in brooklyn, Romeo in rome, Cruz on a cruise and harper 7 conceived on 7 pints of harp

   Skinny girls think their chubby, chubby girls think their fat, fat girls think their obese and obese girls think their supermodels

   Pepsi and Coke the Crips and bloods of the cola world

   i'm not a stalker I just like impromptu games of follow the leader...... to their house

   Regular hobos live in a card board box Greek mythology Hobos live in Pandora's box

   sometimes when I bleed I pretend I just had a red Gatorade and that i'm just sweating like a pro

   Everytime I see a guy with a shark teeth necklace I think..."There goes the world's most bad ass toothfairy"

   Every man will claim he's different. Every man will claim he's loyal. Every man will claim he is your knight in shining amour. Every man will claim he is your prince. But no man will ever claim he is full of sh*t.

   i'm going to open a asian restauraunt on a boat and call it the Thai-tantic

   Whenever one office door closes, 50 browser windows open.

   I think I'm gonna start texting random numbers saying "OMG, I JUST SAW YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED TO YOU!!"

   One of my biggest fears is that some yahoo will actually take my posts seriously and call the cops who will inevitably find my torture chamber, stash of plutonium and action figure collection.

   I'm not sure what lesbians like better about sex with a woman instead of a man, but I wish they would describe it to me in great detail.

   You ever had such unbelievable sex, that it made you forget your own name... at least the fake one you gave her at the bar?

   People who can't find happiness aren't in a liquor store

   Sometimes I'll stand up in a meeting and say "You just gave me an idea!" Then I leave the room, drive home, and go to bed.

   every time I see a mattress strapped to the top of a car I think its a prosty making house calls.