Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Life is dangerous: You could slip in the shower, get hit by a bus, mauled by a bear or drown in breasts (it happens, look it up).

   I can see movies at any time, I'd rather have BOOZE on demand...

   Do you know how much more gas mileage my car would get if it didn't have to haul my fat ass around?

   Did Nostradamus get it wrong with his predictions and predict the end of the News of the World?

   I'm not talented enough to type and pick my nose at the same time.

   Tattoos are bumper stickers for the soul.

   The stuff I never tell anyone is so much more awesome than the stuff I tell everyone.

   If I was the Director of NASA, I would make all of the ground crew dress up as Apes when the space shuttle Atlantis lands just to screw with them....now that would make a good movie...

   Don't piss me off and then tell me to calm down. That's just like stabbing someone and then asking them not to bleed.

   If you wink constantly while you're committing a crime, you cannot be arrested for it.

   Regular a** (_!_) fat a** (__!__) tight a** (!) dumba** (_?_)

   New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.

   How many Bears can Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill Bears?

   It's so hott, I just seen a bird blow on a worm before it ate it..

   The game should really be called Angry Terds, because the only time I ever seem to play it is on the toilet.

   the moment when your channel surfing and power rangers pop up and you think to yourself wow I used to watch a group of teenagers in tights beat up people in monster outfits

   It is so hot, the trees in my neighborhood are whistling for dogs.

   When I think back at all the pluses of being Italian, the culture, the music, the cuisine, the women...the one thing that really stands out in my mind after all these years was that I netted more than $50,000.00 at my First Communion.

   Went from being single to being in a relationSH*T

   Don't be too proud of what you have now. Be proud of what you had to do to get it.