Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up its the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.

   I love meeting new people until they say something stupid. Most of my friendships last about 3 minutes.

   You never can reallly know if a person actually said a quote or not. -Abraham Lincoln

   "If you're havin' girl problems I feel bad for you son I got 99 problems but a b!tch ain't one" -Abraham Lincoln

   4 out of 5 voices in my head say “go for it”

   Why don't people ever hoard good stuff? I if I were a hoarder, I'd have a house full of cupcakes and slip-n-slides.

   The majority of life's greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.

   Did you know? Its impossible to say “Good Eye Might” without sounding Australian? LIKE if you tried.

   I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay, the mice throw themselves on the traps.

   Excuses are like backsides. Everybody's got one and they all stink.

   I have planned to be very spontaneous today

   The future is not a place where you go, It's a place you create.

   Whenever I see a fat kid walking I think to myself "why walk when you could just roll"?

   Don't you dare come back running to me when you get treated the exact same way you treated me.

   Too many funerals and not enough graduations. Too many baby showers, not enough weddings.

   someone accused me of being patronizing! that means I treat people like their stupid.

   Dear Enemies, I have so much more for you to be mad about. Just be patient.

   I tell people secrets, it makes them like me.

   Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.

   Remember, if you don't sin Jesus died for nothing