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I'm not sure I want Friends with Benefits. Can I just have the Benefits? We'll figure out the Friend thing later. 
I'm opening a shelter for battered onion rings.
If smart phone are so smart then why won't it do my laundry?
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money
Swords would be a lot less cool if we pronounced the "w."
Hey, I'm tweeting from inside a car wash! I wonder if my phone will still work if I roll down the win
Attention guy walking two feet behind me down the entire block even though we're the only people on this street: I will stab you in 10 feet.
wonders how many people could get high from snorting Amy Winehouse's ashes...
Maybe if they turned the economy off and then turned it back on it might run better. Works for my computer.
I hope to someday live in a world where we all remember which side the gas tank is on.
has become a master at using shake weights...I guess those trombone lessons paid off after all!
I set up my Google+ today with two main groups 1. Me 2.Them
lmaoo.. I hate when people say, "i gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face?
LIKE IF: You sat down to check Facebook real quick and...an hour later, you're still here.
Cell phones should have the option to change "airplane mode" to "drunk mode" that way your drunk texts never leave your phone.
I've been told I have a certain ineffable quality. But guys, I think you'll find I'm totally effable if you drink enough beer.
Thanks, confirmation email telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails. You just had to get the last word in didn't you?
Behind every good man is a good woman. Behind her are her over opinionated friends so she gets bad advice and comes off sounding like a b!tch.
Another sad news in the music industry, Justin Bieber was found in his apartment, ALIVE
My girlfriend's ex walked over to me the other day and asked… "So how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?" I said, "Doesn't bother me, actually once you get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new." 