Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Tapping melons with your knuckles is a good way of making your selection in the store, but apparently it's frowned upon at the strip club.

   I read a story Thursday about things you shouldn't buy used, such as child car seats, plasma TVs and vacuum cleaners. Good advice, but condoms and toilet paper would have been at the top of my list.

   The latest breakthrough in single-ply toilet paper ? My index finger.

   Today, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

   Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself.

   sometimes Captain America has to call Captain Canada for help, like if he needs to convert miles into kilometers.

   Ok my Guardian Angel, if you're out there, and if you're listening.. Please listen to this one: "I want to keep her, for life"

   I believe the stud finder is the most self-esteem raising carpentry tool

   clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle... with the rest of the citizens that would like to FIRE THE WHOLE STINKIN LOT OF YOU! Wow, that felt pretty good.

   Twitter is a cold and lonely place, I am going back to Facebook.

   Today I shall rise to the occasion and be magnificent. I shall conquer all tasks set before me and not falter in my diligence to fulfill my duties with honor....haha, just kidding.

   Life and Wife are two similar words ..... but if you have one, you can't have the other!!!

   I searched on Google: "What do Women want?" Google search results: "We are searching too"

   problems are like a tree, if you cut off the leaves they will grow back but if you cut it out at the roots they will be gone for good

   Do you know who says bros before hos'? Actors in sitcoms and the three dudes sitting together without dates at the bar.

   Forget the bed, you are sleeping in my arms tonight.

   You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something in your life

   Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days when I was six and my biggest problem was what kind of dress to put on my Barbie's or whether or not I had enough Lego's to build a fort

   If your plan A doesn't work, don't sweat it. The alphabet has 25 more letters.

   Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?