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If Rap music ever takes off in North Korea, I'll bet there's gonna be a big scramble for the name "Run DMZ". 
Someone said that I need to look at the world from a woman's point of view, so I looked out the kitchen window.
Some women are wound up tighter than the girdle of a Baptist minister's wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.
Based on recent observation, I honestly believe that (insert state name) is a breeding ground for Land Manatees. :-/
the only thing stronger than a mother's love is a garlic breath.
that weired feeling when a kid just walks up to you and says the one word s/he knows..."dadda"!
A woman recently changed her FB status to "got my periods" 20 guys liked it and 30 commented "thank God"
Stuck between Yeah! I have a job and Crap I have to go to work!
Children grow up so fast. One day they're taking their 1st steps, the next they're taken away after a judge rules you're a negligent parent.
Sometimes you have to tell yourself "This the worst idea ever!" and then do it anyways.
They should make Harry Potter brand condoms Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.
some people deserve the middle finger more often
I am actually quite pleasant until I'm awake.
so cool, you can set your clock by his 5 oclock shadow
I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I was going, Officer.
I don't think I've ever been told I'm a bad listener.
Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, but he never called his wife or mother because they were both deaf... which would actually make him the original inventor of the 'booty call' as well.
next time you go through the drive-thru at McD, order a burger and say "can you please hold the pickle" in a sexy voice... trust me, it's worth it!
The phrase "You come in handy" sounds like something an Asian masseuse might say for an extra $50
Who else's heart skips for a split second when your girlfriend asks to use your computer?
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