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Remember the participation trophies kids? They grew up and are burning our cities, tearing statues, offended over everything. 
Shia Labeouf sounds like something you do after eating Taco Bell
Had the fencing guys out working today putting up a Chain-link fence. Lets see them mosquitoes get in the yard now .
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach
Depressed? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.
Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.
People with those rims that spin when the car isn't moving, how often do you have to replace the hamsters in those things?
my mom's house is like the one in Home Alone except all the booby traps are emotional
"Did it hurt...when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?"--bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
The worst five words are "can I have a bite."
The worst part about my dad having a ponytail is, whenever we go out to eat, the server automatically hands the bill to me.
"Let's make sure there's 3 miles of handicap parking." -Walmart
I would pay $1,000 to watch the "View" hosts attempt to run one mile.
I want to be a pharmacist just so I can yell "Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your ars!"
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour. 