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Man it's already half way through the year. Time flies when the world is falling apart. 
Tried to make my own hand sanitizer but I think I just made a margarita.
I went to the store to buy some invisible tape but I didn't see any.
Old: "Click It or Ticket". New: "Mask It or Casket."
We had no pandemics in 1974 because everyone was busy Kung Fu fighting.
A Girl commented on my post, a guy replied, she replied again n they were abt 2 fall in Love so I deleted d post.
Wife: I'm pissed! Me: Again or Still?
for someone that hates being touched, I sure do have a lot of kids.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Not to brag but this time I checked to see if there was paper on the roll BEFORE sitting on the toilet
BABY GOT BACKYARD Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I'm a genius when you agree with me. I'm an ass when you disagree with me. I'm inconsistant when you don't understand me. I'm all things to all people.
I googled my symptoms into Web Md. Turns out I have Gary Busey .
In an effort to be sensitive to the current atmosphere. Wild Cherry has changed the name of their 1970's hit to simply "Play us an upbeat song Cracker". 