Funny Status Messages

   I hope no one chooses me as their one phone call in jail. I don't even answer when my mom calls.

   Beyond tired right now.. everytime I blink I'm pretending its a mini nap

   I can only hope that someday I have the self esteem of the 300 pound guy wearing spandex that just came in.

   One man's trash is another man's daughter.

   The next time I go to chruch.. I'm bringin my own wine and crackers!

   I tasted my own medicine. It's bacon flavored and hallucinogenic. Thanks for the advice!

   I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes.

   Having female friends is a lot like having a pet tiger. Fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day they turn on you.

   When someone tells me to guess something and I don't but they keep telling me to try, I start to guess they want to be punched in the face.

   I've had a rough week, so I'm going to watch Jersey Shore to feel better about my life.

   Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It's IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top

   I refuse to go bungee jumping...I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.

   To steal from one is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

   Faithful and trust worthy partners are like a thong on a fat girl…so hard to find.

   forget the london roits , the main story I'm interested in is USA man killed by flying cow .... How did it get its pilot license?

   My son asked me why Piggly Wiggly sells bacon. He said, "Isn't that like them selling their soul?"

   Lets take a minute of silence for the people of Syria who, without outside help or becoming a burden on any country's economy or taxpayers, are fighting bare hand for their freedom. We are with you in spirit.

   heard that the Roswell aliens are not happy that America took one of their ships for a joyride and crashed it into the Pacific.

   Apparently, screaming "It's my money and I need it now!" out the window only goes over well in the commercials.

   When you steal a woman from another man in the middle of their relationship, don't be surprise tomorrow when someone else steals her from you coz she has already proven that she is steal-able.