Funny Status Messages

   Warning: Warnings are so retarded. Like on this deodorant 'Avoid contact with eyes.' Too late, I've already seen it.

   Seismologists have determined that the earthquake in Washington,D.C. was not caused by a fault line, but by our Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves!!!!

   Imagine a guy trying to run upstairs while wearing roller blades. That's my life

   I'll usually hug people when it's obvious they only want to shake hands

   I'm holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team

   Everything I need to know about whether or not cops are allowed to search my car I learned from Jay-Z songs

   Saw a black velvet Kenny Rogers painting today. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not.

   Dear Lord, please give me the strength to forgive those who put LOL in their status updates

   Well, I guess these tequila shots aren't going to regret themselves

   While Prince may have found his mother demanding. Maybe she just didn't want to see him wear a frilly purple suit everyday

   I felt sorry for a hypnotist I saw on TV last night... He hypnotized 7 guys, then he tripped over the microphone cord and yelled, "Screw This Microphone!".... What happened next will haunt me forever...

   Whoever coined the phrase "The Buck stops here" has obviously never ever carried my poor wallet!

   A girl's moan is the sexiest sound, ever.

   Respect your parents. They pay for your internet

   i would slap the pretty out of your face if you had any left

   Help me out... I cant decide. Should I buy flowers or a sympathy card for the b*tches dying to be like me

   if ignorance is bliss then there are a sh#t load of people in paradise

   pandora just gave me a Hanson song and it wasn't even Mmmbop...Shamful!!!

   any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting

   You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn website in ur address bar smh