Funny Status Messages

   These new energy saving light bulbs are not all they're cracked up to be. It takes just as much effort to screw them in as the old light bulbs!!!!

   B*I*T*C*H - Babe In Total Control of Herself

   True Beauty = (Woman + Confidence) - Make Up

   Only when I'm drinking Jager, think I have the moves like Jagger

   The pain your heart feels when you have your mind set on a shoe and they tell you "We don't have your size"

   #Thinking ...This chick is weird and odd but LORD DOES SHE HAVE A BOD!!

   I started chatting to this plump girl in a bar. "Oh God," she moaned, "You smell amazing. What is it?" "Apple Pies," I said.

   My doctor is a weight loss expert. He removes the fat from my wallet.

   Sometimes I ask myself “Why me?What have I done to deserve this?” Then, I say to myself, “Oh…right.”

   Saying “I forgive you” is the kindest way to tell someone: “I still think it's your fault.”

   Once you go big, you'll never go twig!

   Life is full of disappointments, I'll just add you to the list.

   It's kind of like comparing bermuda shorts and capri pants... both are cute, but those few extra inches make a world of difference...

   Oh, I saw your new boyfriend. So what happened to your standards?

   Wanna make her smile ? Tell her you are hungry and when she replies "What you want to eat" you say "YOU"

   Never wave to a proctologist...You may get the finger in return!

   When ever I see a guy type a "<3" I automatically think theyre gay...

   If I give a chick my heart and she CHEAT i'm going to leave our sex tape on her parents front door and label it "FAMILY REUNION"

   Me and my ex were together for like 9 years, and I will say this about her, even twords the end she still brought out the animal in me. Everytime she got into bed I would run to the door and start scratching and whining to be let out. :P

   Damn I just seen this big chick with a belly ring soon as she sat down it VANISHED