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When I say I will NEVER do something, rest assured I'll be doing it within 6 weeks. 
My brother says Andrew how can you be drinking already its not even 11am, well I said I changed the time on my laptop 2 hours ahead.
If you're homophobic, it's important to remember that they're more afraid of you than you are of them
Just saw a bumper sticker that said Distracted drivers crash, hang up and drive. Then I crashed into him because I was reading the sticker.
Can we name the next hurricane Shaniqua or something? I feel like if we give hurricanes ghetto names, people will be more inclined to get away from them. Hurricane Irene sounds friendly. Hurricane Shaniqua will rip out your weave if you look at it wrong.
I'm blessed and highly favored! Just thought I should remind you all.
Fellas: Never lead a woman on and let her think she has a chance with you when deep down you know she doesn't.
OK ladies....College football starts tonight!! You may now start to cheat, shop or whatever.....Just shut up and stay out of the Man Cave!!
Sorry ladies but there is more to it than getting naked and saying, "Come get it daddy"
My dad told me that if I didn't change my ways that I was going to wake up dead some day. Cool! I'm gonna be a zombie.
Always be thankful for another day of life because you never know when it's gonna be your last.
Treat your girl right, or another guy will...or maybe another girl.
The uneasy moment when you can't understand someone even though they repeated themselves 5 times.
I study Jiu-Jitsu and Karate but if they ever start teaching classes in Mad Black Lady, I'm forsaking both and signing up.
I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts today, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
Though I love and embrace all the cultures of the world, I still have to laugh when the guy at the customer service center in India says "What's up, bro? My name's Dave. How's it going?"
does this update make my status look fat?
A friend is someone who borrows your stuff and gives it back. A best friend is someone who has a closet full of your stuff which they don't intend on giving back.
Before sex, you help each other get naked.. After sex, you only dress yourself.. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once your f*cked!
You know that hole in the glass at the movie theater that you talk through to get your tickets? I think that's called an askhole. 