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If plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one. 
The condoms I use are so sensitive thet stick around to talk to the chick for an hour afer I leave.
Colonel Khadafi looks like Carlos Santana.
Preview of Obama's job speech: I may need one in two years.
I gotta think Peyton Manning's neck injury has something to do with that giant forehead of his.
I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn't fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.
asks..what's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly...."
alright ladies! Lets sing a song! If you're drunk and you know it,c raise you shirt!
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
My girl came down from taking a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my vajayjay in the bath and you know what that means?" I said, "The drain is clogged?"
Someday, I hope to be able to afford an iPhone...like the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps.
The later I get, the drunker it is.
The best thing about the internet: It's available to everyone. The worst thing about the internet: - It's available to everyone.
shoutout to all the ugly b!tch's who have "pretty girl rock" as their ringtone.
They say you never forget your first love and it's true, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about beer.
If Morgan Freeman was smart then he would record himself giving his eulogy.
I would have much more respect for someone if they personally sh!t on my lawn rather than have their dog as an intermediary.
All hot women should be seen in 3-D. That's my apartment #. 3-D.
■If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. ~D.Larson 