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I have a reoccurring nightmare that I am startled by bank robbers who shout "EVERYBODY GET DOWN!" and I get shot in the face for dancing. 
4 out of 5 bubble baths result in Santa Claus beards.
I'm sorry I ran over your dog but in my defense I was texting! You're being awfully judgemental for a blind man
"Porn stash" sounds too seedy. I prefer to call it my "Guybrary."
☐ Single ☐ Taken ☑ I will die alone with 73 cats
I am tired of reading other peoples' fairytales; it's time for me to start writing my own.
When I don't need it, I find it. When I need it, I can't find it.
Somebody needs to invent a mirror that takes pictures.
Ladies: Never make an important decision while you're on your period.
During sex, do you think midgets do it puppystyle?
I blame movies for my high expectations in relationships
Don't keep telling yourself, "I deserve better" and continue to date worse.
Ladies: In order for you to find that prince charming, you must first be a princess yourself.
Hi, I'm Troy Mclure. Your reading this in my voice, aren't you?
When you've tried everything within your power and ability, sometimes the only thing left is to say good-bye.
It's amazing how many girls are lured into the world of Adult Entertainment. I guess the old saying is true: "There's a sucker born every minute."
It Pisses Me Off when people come in my room & don't close the door when they get out.
How to give a great handjob. Step 1: Use your mouth.
I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys in her at the same time?
Why does anyone want to go to Hell in a handbasket? Everyone whose ever been to the Supermarket knows that using a Shopping Cart would be so much better. 