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Facebook is a like real life in that I don't think of the witty reply until 5 or 6 days after the conversation happened. 
A real woman avoids drama like a plague, for she knows her efforts and time are too precious and to be wasted on little minded people and their tantrums... Unless of course that woman is an alcoholic sexual deviant, then 'real' no longer applies.
Never marry a tennis player----love means nothing to them!
Funny how they call it common sense when it seems so rare.
I remember September 11th like it was only yesterday.
Just saw a baby with a shirt that said, not everything stays in Vegas.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children
The cops knocked on my door today & told me that my dog attacked a man on a bike. I told them to quit lying. My dog don't own a bike!
If your going to hit my car with your door, then stare at me like ur mind me..and I ask you if you have a problem, man up and don't walk away..Stupid 90 year old lady in a wheelchair with oxygen tanks...
Sometimes you have to walk through a field of weeds to find the perfect marijuana.
"Common sense..its in high demand... And short supply"
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
Am I weird because, I'm just sitting in my boat drinking a beer? Oh I forgot to mention the boat is in the driveway.
Just washed down a multi vitamin with a corona.
I dont need anger management classes. You need STFU classes
ive heard the old saying that "opportunity is just around the corner" but sometimes a hooker is around that corner so is the hooker your opportunity?
God grant me the strenghth not to throat punch anyone taday, Amen!
I don't care how healthy you say it is, a shot of wheatgrass is what giving Swamp Thing a bl*wjob would taste like.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they're malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.
The NFL post game show is the male version of The View. 