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I broke up with my girlfriend today, she asked me if its really over. I told her it couldn't be more over if she started singing. 
My girlfriend forgot to flush the toilet after taking a really big sh1t. Bad move. "It won't fit" just isn't going to cut it as an excuse anymore.
set my phone to "Airplane Mode" and it told me not to call it Shirley.
If you text me first it is YOUR opportunity to keep the conversation going...
Release the Kraken !!!!!!
Switzerland's economy was ranked #1 by the World Economic Forum while the U.S. fell to #5.....I guess those little Swiss army knives must be selling like hotcakes! ツ
Being in a relationship with someone who is always miserable with themselves can turn you into a miserable person as well.
If all roads were straight forward, we'd fall asleep on the wheel.
I am the kind of friend who will sneakly shake your soda can before handing it to you.
WARNING! My mind is subject to change.
True story: Apparently there is a bar/club called "G-spot" in my area. One night a girl came up to me downtown and asked me where the "G-spot" was located and I said I didn't know. Epic Fail
"As Obama Discusses His Job Creation Plan, Bank Of America Releases Details Of 40,000 Job Cuts"
I'm not homophobic, some of my best shirts are gay.
If you ever see me getting beating by the police, put down the camera and come help me instead..
I just got a new high score at Dishwasher Tetris!
This Yorkie is eating up our retirement money. I'm serious. She found the shoebox under the bed.
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
I assume "Luftballons" is German for "bottles of beer on the wall"
My wife told me she wanted something that goes from 0-200 in 2 seconds flat when shes in it. I gave her a scale
A guy from the Saw Mill runs to the Doctor. He screams, "Help me, Doc! I just sawed off all my fingers!" The Doc says, "Calm down, we can reattach them, where are they?" "I AIN"T GOT EM!" "How come?" The guy goes, "I COULDN'T PICK 'EM UP." 