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All 911 decals have been removed from Police cars in an effort to dissuade Mexicans from stealing them who think they're Porsches. 
Doing work on the bathroom, went to Lowe's and, long story short, still not mature enough to ask for caulk without laughing
The only difference between a sink and urinal is an opinion
Good: Your son's finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Worse: So are you
Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply!
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Worse: With corrections
I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.
Do you want to mourn Steve Jobs? - There's an app for that, only $4.99 for the first month.
I was just going to nail some shelves to the wall, then I thought, screw them!
Life is just like an ice-cream, enjoy it before it melts !!
Steve Jobs death is being treated as suspicious... Police are looking for iWitnesses
Steve Jobs says, "The only way Apple devices will get Flash is over my dead body."
Three Apples changed the world. The first one tempted Eve, the second inspired Newton and the third was offered to the world half eaten by Steve Jobs. RIP
Women are like stamps. We lick them and send them on their way.
If you truly understand me, you'll let me be annoying
Dear Google Maps, Please extend your street view to the rural parts of the country. I'm trying to find out which field I left my virginity in. Sincerely, anonymous
Dear icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Enjoy the Karma... Sincerely, the Titanic
Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns
refuseing to joke about Steve Jobs. One, because you're expecting it. Two, because I'm a good friend of his brother Blow. RIP Steve Jobs.
Only Steve Jobs Could Bite An APPLE & Keep It Fresh For 3 Decades. R.I.P Steve Jobs 