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[restaurant] waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before? me: no but I know how to order food 
My dog and I have the same schedule: 6 AM: Wake up 7 AM: Eat breakfast 8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn 9 AM: Play 10 AM: Nap
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Of course Ellen DeGeneres is being taken to task for being a c**t. All Iesbians are.
Her: What sign are you most compatible with?
Me: Krispy Kreme's hot and ready sign.
I've heard a lot about Karen lately but what about Felicia. Did she finally leave?
So in retrospect, in 2015, no one got the answer right to the question, "Where do you see yourself in 2020?"
The coin shortage didn't work. Go ahead and mail the mystery seeds.
I'm thinking of opening up a restaurant called "meatballs and tea" and have billboards on the highway advertising it with the slogan "even if you don't like our balls, you can still come in for a tea bag"
I successfully said "Worcestershire sauce" today!
I don't go to the mailbox because that's where the Responsibility Monster lives.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
A cashless society was predicted in the Bible. It was written in the Book of Visa.
Wanting to watch OANN for the truth is like eating donuts for weight loss.
What's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute?
I think I am going to get a Dr's lab coat and post a video on how to treat Covid with my credentials being "A bunch of my family are Dr's, so that makes me qualified".
Does anyone know if Santa will be sending out a progress report? 