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Women used to throw their underwear at Elvis Presley. If he were alive today, they'd be throwing their Depends. 
I got a call from a guy who said that I should stock up on water, batteries, canned goods, candles and a generator. I said, "Done, thank you. I'm ready for Hurricane Isaias." He said, "No, this is your financial advisor."
Dear Facebook, Please stop showing me ads for dating websites as I don't think hooking up with a complete stranger hoping to mingle in the middle of a pandemic would be a stellar idea. Thanks!
my nephew turns 3 this august but since money tight we just not gone tell him
Gyms are open ! Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
If he hadn't been tested for covid-19, Herman Cain would still be alive today.
My five stages of waking up: 1)Denial 2)Denial 3)Denial 4)Denial 5)Extreme hostility
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[boiling pot] Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.” Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term Me: Don’t kid yourself
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Grim Reaper: I have come for you Grim Reaper’s Wife: You don’t have to say that every time we do it
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays. I think about that a lot. 