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Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you have to do is stand and say “Hi my name is Tom and I am an alcoholic”. 
: No I have not gained weight, Your eyes just got fat
handing out used motor oil, cottage cheese I left for out 3 days, Nick Punto Baseball cards, and Greek Bonds for Halloween tomorrow night. This should be the last year for a while that I have to deal with trick-or-treaters...
right before I die I'm going to say " I left a million dollars in the.."
Just thinking of how confusing it would be to all the little tricker treaters if I dressed up as santa for Halloween and handed out candy.....
Halloween.. The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger..
so what are you going to be for halloween? well, I was thinking about being, well, intoxicated
I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations...
If a girl is stupid enough to love you after you broke her heart, I guarantee you, she is the one.
The whole concept of Halloween is wierd. Everyone dresses funny and total strangers reward them with candy.
Why do people yell "Hello?" in horror movies. What do you think the killer is going to say? "I'm making a sandwich in the kitchen. Want one?"
I don't hate you, it's just my attitude has some major issues with your personality.
Vick is abusing those cowboys worse than he did his dogs
My life is like a Lambourghini. It's going too fast, and it costs too much.
it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it's ok you're in the right place :)"
Today I chased a plastic bag down the street.. Not to capture any great beauty or anything.. It had my weed in it.
My hobbies are gardening, origami and meditation. In other words: growing weed, rolling a fat one, and passing out in a stupor.
Yo Momma is so fat, that when she sat on the iPhone she created the iPad.
Never ever change your ringtone to an eerie or scary one around halloween because some idiot might call you in the middle of the night while you're in a deep sleep. On a related note, sh*t stains are difficult to get out of sheets.
waiting alone in the car; Everyone outside automatically becomes a rapist... 