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I just saw 9 homeless people giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in. 
I gotta stop taking that Ambian for sleep. When I went to sleep we all agreed that Segregation was wrong. I woke up this morning and it’s ok again? What did I miss
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care
Dear Cupid, Next time hit both.
Neutering our dog was the best thing we ever did. Made him less nuts.
Feel bad for all the kids who probably won't be trick-or-treating this year, but just think of all the candy they'll be for 50% off the day after!
Let's face it. The first thing a guy does after a woman accepts his friends request is look for bikini pics.
Excited to be able to bet on the NFL again. I got money on the coronavirus shutting down the league in week3.
This lifelong football fan now has an extra 3 hours to do projects and other tasks like shopping on Sundays from now on.
Saw a mail truck in the cemetery today. I guess they have started delivering the ballots!
First Responders of 911 were not honored by the NFL last night. A rapist was.
When I was young I could climb mountains. Now, I have to steady myself to fart.
Friend: Don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.... Me: Yeah, that and crabs.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs: 1. Colonialists 2. Sisters
Gonna crash a tanker full of pink oil into a delicate coral reef for my next gender reveal party.
I'm so old I just sit around and look at Facebook all day.... like younger people do nowadays.
The human mind and spirit seek answers revealed in truth, yet ultimately find little more than contradictions, falsehoods and lies. 